Inner Torment

She was supposed to be concentrating.  But Maya’s mind continued to wander as she sat upon her bed.  Her legs were crossed and her hands resting gently on her knees.  She was supposed to be listening to the sounds coming from outside of the room as Annabelle and Mizore went about their day.  She needed to improve her hearing but instead her mind continued to become restless.  Her thoughts were on all the messages she’s received since Auburn was found laying unconscious on Slam 9.

Why did you attack Auburn?

Did you really want the Women’s championship that badly?

Maya’s just a wolf in sheep’s clothing

Maya grew tired of the accusations but more than just that, people began to doubt Maya.  They seen how many times Maya has tried to win the big on win HSW and only to come up short.  They seen her emotions change from show to show.  It must be all a show, to get their attention, to become, relevant.  So Maya did the only thing she could do, she forfeited the match.  It was the only way to prove that she wasn’t how they saw her.  But it only opened up a new set of people to hate her.

What kind of Wrestler turns down a Title Shot?

You’re a coward.

This just shows that Maya has no heart and doesn't deserve a place in this business.

The voices just continued in her head as Maya no longer knew what to do.  She couldn’t win for losing. Everyone saw her either as a conniving monster who attacked Auburn, or a heartless coward.  All of this stirred inside of her mind.

Why not tell them what your real reasoning for canceling the match is.

A new voice broke out over the rest.  It was strong and clear and one that Maya has heard on a daily basis.

Get out of here, leave me alone.

This was a voice she had to keep down. She couldn’t let this voice win.  But the voice doesn’t let up.

Stop this pretending Maya.  You know exactly why you canceled that match.  You’re only using Auburn as an excuse.

I didn’t attack her!

Of course you didn’t.  Everyone knows you didn’t.  They see past Annie’s lies but they only go along because they KNOW it will get a reaction from you.  It’s all just a big joke.  Let’s pester the little baby and see her whine.

On the outside, Maya’s body stays calm, like she was meditating. But on the inside she grits her teeth as she yells back at the voice in her head.

I don’t WHINE!

Sure you do.  But it’s fine. None of them care about you anyways.  We’ve gone over this so many times and even you know it to be true.  You’re only amusing to them.  If you disappeared, life would go on.  The fans would forget you, the other wrestlers of HSW wouldn’t care, and Annie would find someone new for her to torment.

There was a brief silence in her mind.

Mizore!  Mizore would be devastated if I were gone!

There it was.  The one thing that Maya continued to hold on to.  She was her rock and Maya felt the only one who really truly cared about her.

Then why do you lie to her?  No more lies remember.  You’re not better Maya.  You haven’t been better since you tried to take your life.  You pretend that everything is ok.  You hide it all under a mask just like that blindfold sitting across your face right now.

Maya resisted the urge to reach up and touch the green blindfold across her eyes.

Why do you wear that thing?  You know why.  You want to hide the fact that you are broken.  If they seen under it, that mask of yours, they’d see those dead eyes.  They’d see the real you.  The eyes are the windows to the soul after all.

More silence inside of her mind.  But only emotion filled her.  She had to stop this, had to get it out of her head.

You never should of left that room your parents locked you up in.

They let me out… They thought the match would help me… I’m a fighter.

And you’re a failure. But what self respecting Psychiatrist would LET you go into. A fight after you JUST tried to kill yourself?  Did he think you were joking?  Did he do it at the whim of your mother?  Or maybe he put more faith in that skill of yours that YOU DON’T HAVE!

I am skilled…

Yes, let’s go over those all yet again.  Then again I don’t even need too.  You KNOW what I’ll say.  You agree with me and don’t deny it like you have been.  You’re scared to face Annie after all.

No I’m NOT!  I only forfeit the match to prove my innocence.

-Annabelle Jackson-
"Maya, can I come in?"

Annabelle’s voice didn’t even register to Maya as her inner torment continued.  Not even the light knocking on the door just before that.

Stop lying to yourself.  You failed to beat Annie when you COULD see.  And now you expect to beat her without it?

I’ve been training!

The door to the room began to open as Annabelle hadn’t heard any kind of response.

-Annabelle Jackson-
"I’m coming in."

How’d all that training work out against Paragon?

The match was thrown out.  That’s not my fault.

Don’t lie.  Amber underestimated you at the beginning but then she exploited your weakness.  You WOULD HAVE lost.

Annabelle enters the room as she looks over at Maya.  She looked calm, sitting there in the middle of the bed.  So Annabelle went ahead and crossed the room.

I’ve won matches since the accident.

High Stakes Wrestling is not like those other feds.  It’s ruthless and those other matches, your opponents probably felt sorry for you.  Just gave you the win.

-Annabelle Jackson-
"Hey, just wanted to let you know Lunch was ready… You didn’t fall asleep did you?"

This time Annabelle’s words connected with Maya as she realized she was no longer alone in the room.  But Maya forced a smile on her face, she didn’t want her to worry about her.

-Maya Jensen-
”Nah, just meditating."

Liar.

-Annabelle Jackson-
"Thought you were training your hearing?"

She's got you there.

Shut up!

-Maya Jensen-
”Yeah… I was.  But I heard Mizore start some music awhile ago and couldn’t get the song out of my head.  So I was meditating to try and clear my mind."

Only parts of that are even true.  Go on, tell her the REAL reason why you came in here.  To put a stop to the growing doubts and confusion in your mind.  To make sure your mask don’t slip. Go on… tell her.

Annabelle chuckles slightly oblivious to Maya’s own thoughts.

-Annabelle Jackson-
"Oh, I know the song you’re talking about.  It is pretty catchy.  Had me singing right along with it."

-Maya Jensen-
”I thought I heard your voice."

Maya smiles letting the momentary distraction keep her away from the other feelings inside of her.

-Annabelle Jackson-
"Oh you heard that?"

Annabelle replied with a slight embarrassment in her voice.  Maya only chuckled as she noticed it, she was always a little embarrassed about her singing voice.

Just more distractions.

-Maya Jensen-
”We keep telling you, you sound fine."

-Annabelle Jackson-
"Anything would sound good muffled through a wall."

Maya forces a chuckle.

She’s so blind to your situation.

She doesn’t have to know.

Because if she knew, it’d be an issue.  Then they’d care… but you don’t want that. You want to be strong.

I have to be strong…

-Maya Jensen-
”I don’t need to be in the room to know you’ve got a great singing voice."

-Annabelle Jackson-
"I still think you guys are just saying that…"

Like how most people just say they care about you.

-Maya Jensen-
”Of course not."

The spoken comment was meant towards Annabelle but in a way it was also towards her inner thoughts.  Annabelle gives a shy smile as she gives a small stretch hiding her embarrassment.

-Annabelle Jackson-
"Anyways…. Like I said, Lunch is ready.  Mizore’s about done with her shower so figured I’d go ahead and come get you."

Maya nods her head as she began to shift to the side of the bed.

-Maya Jensen-
”Actually, I was kind of wanting to make the trip myself…. I really need the practice."

Another lie.  You just want an excuse to get your thoughts straight.  You have to fix your mask.

Shut up….You know it scares me getting around by myself… I need to face my fears.

-Annabelle Jackson-
"I get you.  I’ll just follow you incase you need any help."

She just won’t go away huh?  Then again she’s not supposed too.

Maya gives a slight nod to Annabelle as she reaches the side of the bed and stands up.

If she wasn’t around a few of those times… I’d be in a bigger mess.

Like when you wandered off on Slam 9.  Do they even believe you didn’t attack Auburn?

I need to concentrate…

Maya raises her hands slightly trying to focus.  She tried to visualize her room but she just couldn’t.  She just couldn’t hold it with her mind not clear.

I… can’t do it.

Why’d you even think you could?

I can’t let her know…

Maya chuckles slightly hiding her emotional state.

-Maya Jensen-
”On second thought.  I’m to hungry to concentrate."

Annabelle chuckles herself as she walks over to her and takes her by the hand.

-Annabelle Jackson-
"All right.  Come here."

So Annabelle began to lead Maya out of the room. Maya hoped her body didn’t betray her as she was.

Maybe she should find out.  Then you can stop using Auburn as an excuse to why you’re not going to face Annie.

It’s not an excuse… I need to prove I didn’t do it.

But did it stop you before?  When you were being framed for attacking Raven and even Mizore, in EWE.  Did it stop you from defending your Diva’s Tag Titles?

I didn’t want too… and I wanted to give my title to Hollie.

But you didn’t.  You only whined about it.  And you want to know why? Because you weren’t scared of your opponents. You knew could win.  Just face it. You don’t think you can beat Annie.  You KNOW you can’t beat Annie.

The thought echo’d through her mind.  Was it true?  Did she think she couldn’t win?

Of course it is.  Stop kidding yourself.

It’s… not entirely true.  I’m scared to lose again…. I can’t keep on losing.  I’m, just not ready to face her.  Not like this. I want another chance. One where I don’t have so many things stacked against me…

Everything is always stacked against you.

Maya’s hand began to shake slightly as she couldn’t keep it under control.

Why is it always like this? Why Can’t I just be normal… Like everyone else.  Like Mizore.

Annabelle takes notes of Maya’s shaking hand, before she can say anything Maya just stops.  Her head facing the floor as her mind doesn’t let up.

Why does it feel like she’s the only one who really does truly care about me. If not for her.. I just….

Wouldn’t go on.

Right…

-Annabelle Jackson-
"Maya?"

Why can’t I be better?  I just WANT to be better… But I don’t want them to worry about me.  That wouldn’t be right.

So keep on lying.  That will only make them leave, the truth will come out.  It will always come out.

Maya continued to stand there when suddenly a door close by opened.  A slight warmth escaped from the room.  Maya knew what room it was as her heart leaped.  She needed her right now.

But she can’t know remember.

Maya forced a smile as she turns towards the door a she hears Mizore take a step out.  She embraces her lover with a hug.  She could tell Mizore was surprised. But she reached around her pulling her into her embrace.

-Mizore Payne-
"Well this is a nice surprise."

Mizore said with a smile.  But Maya just kept the hug going.  Letting the warmth fill her   trying to clear her head.

But you’re about to lie to her more.  How can you live with yourself?  That girl loves you.

Shut UP!

Maya could feel the thoughts fade a bit as her lips were suddenly met with Mizore’s own.  She could feel Mizore’s love and it helped.  It always helped. She wish the moment could last forever as it gave her strength but it wasn’t to last as Mizore soon broke the kiss and turned to Annabelle.

-Mizore Payne-
"Unless you came out here just to surprise me, I take it the food’s done?"

-Annabelle Jackson-
"Sure is.  We were just on our way when Maya stopped.  Must have heard you were about to step out."

Did she not know…

Should she?

Mizore only chuckles at Annabelle’s comment.

-Mizore Payne-
"She never ceases to amaze me."

Maya gives a slight smile at Maya’s compliment.

-Mizore Payne-
"Now, let’s get some food. I’m starved."

Annabelle nods as she turns around and starts down the hall.  Mizore begins to break the embrace she had on Maya and follow Annabelle.

… Not yet.

Mizore is stopped as Maya’s hand and slid down and held Mizore’s. Maya didn’t take a step as Mizore looks back to her.  Annabelle must have also taken notice as she turns around as well. A motion from Mizore was all Annabelle needed as she walked off, leaving the two alone.

What are you doing?  You know you can’t spring this on her like this.  It’s not the right time or place.  That’s assuming she’ll even accept you.

Maya doesn’t even reply to the voice in her head as she just stands there.  Mizore waits for Annabelle to disappear around the end of the hall before turning back to Maya.

-Mizore Payne-
"Is something wrong?"

Yes there’s something wrong.

Maya steels herself.  She couldn’t tell her all that she was feeling. She just could’t.  But she had to know something.

-Maya Jensen-
”…do you think what I’m doing is wrong?"

Confusion met Mizore’s voice.  There were so many things she could be talking about after all.

-Mizore Payne-
"On what?"

-Maya Jensen-
”My forfeit…"

-Mizore Payne-
"I told you.  I’m supporting you no matter what you decide."

Which means she think’s your making a bad decision.

…I need to hear it from her.

Maya lightly shakes her head.

-Maya Jensen-
”I know that… and I appreciate it.  But that’s not answering my question.  Please tell me… do you think I’m making the right choice here?"

Do you even want to know?

Mizore was silent for a moment further adding to what Maya thought was true.  Finally, she spoke.

-Mizore Payne-
"No…. I think you shouldn’t be canceling the match."

The words cut deep into Maya.  Mizore thought it was a bad idea.

But you knew that.

-Maya Jensen-
”But… Auburn’s attack…"

Maya tried to defend her position, going to her escape clause but Mizore shakes her head.

-Mizore Payne-
"Had nothing to do with you.  For all we know, this very thing could be exactly what Annie wants.  You know how she can be."

Of course I know that…

But you need an escape.  Face it you DON’T want to face Annie.

-Maya Jensen-
”They think I did it though.  You’ve heard everyone."

-Mizore Payne-
"I know, baby.  But that shouldn’t stop you.  It’s a bad situation, and you will rise above. But there are still those out there who want to see you go out there and put shut up Annie’s big fat mouth.  I know I do."

Maya just stood there.  There was that feeling stirring inside of her.  Telling her that what she was doing was stupid.

I really want to beat Annie…

But you can’t.

Maya’s inner mind was thrown into confusion.  She wanted to shake this.

-Maya Jensen-
”What will they say if I suddenly change my mind?  I have to stay committed don’t I?  If I don’t…."

They’ll see you as an attention grabber.  Putting up a big fuss just to get attention.  Just like a big baby.

Mizore gently took ahold of Maya’s other hand.  She gently caressed them as she stared right at Maya.

-Mizore Payne-
"You did what you thought was best at the time.  In all honestly it doesn’t matter what they think.  If they see you as just trying to grab attention..."

She sees it too.

-Mizore Payne-
"Or realize that you’re being put into a tough situation.  I know the truth Maya. And I’ll be right there no matter what you decide.  But know that I don’t want you to give up.  In fact, I want you to go out there and prove to Annie what you really are."

A Failure?

-Mizore Payne-
"A champion."

Mizore’s smiles brightly to Maya as she continues to hold her hand.  Maya can feel that passion and enthusiasm coming from her.  She wants her to try.  She want her to win.

You know the results of that Maya.

Maya doesn’t reply as she takes ahold of Mizore’s strength and uses it for herself.  She knew the battle was far from over but…

I have to try.  For her.

-Maya Jensen-
”All right.  I’ll try."

Mizore shakes her head.

-Mizore Payne-
"No, you won’t try.  You’re going to give Annie your very best.  You do that and You’ll Win!"

Maya nods as she takes in more of Mizore’s passion.

-Maya Jensen-
”You’re right.   I promise.  You want me to give her my very best, Mizore.  Then you got it."

Maya smiles perhaps it was genuine.  But she would do her best.  For Mizore.  Mizore continues to beam at her as she shouts in enthusiasm.

-Mizore Payne-
"The Frost Elite will be walking out of Winter Survival as your World and Women’s Champions!"

Maya smiles as she let’s out an enthusiastic shout of her own.  The two stay pumped up a moment before finally Mizore spoke again.

-Mizore Payne-
"But first, lunch."

Maya giggled at that as the two headed to get something to eat.

But are you making the right decision?

The last thoughts that entered Maya’s head as she let it fade away, allowing her time with Mizore to let her mind stay at ease for the rest of the day.